..........

a warm cup of tea from my husband...he makes it perfect,black tea with no sugar...i love it when i find it beside my bed with a small kiss as a compliment from him!!that is how my Sunday starts..from bedroom to washroom everything is perfect!!i have those perfect shorts with pink flowers that i wanted from westside & a pink spaghetti top as my night dress.the warm tea amid those mauve & yellow curtains makes me feel like a princess.i am his princess.i love to feel that.sunday mornings are loaded with bengali breakfast--luchi & alur torkari..he loves it..when i get up to freshen up & move to kitchen i can feel a pair of naught eyes following me..a pair of eyes which wants to see me as only his & no one's else...i have a big mirror in my washroom..it helps me analyse the excess fat that i am putting on..there is a pile of newspaper on the corner all stacked by my husband in the last week...its in perfect order..saturday to monday in the reverse order..also there is a wet towel which is there since yesterday..men dont change you know..when barred from dumping it on bed he dumps it in the hanger!!but i hate to bug him on Sundays...he is usually very happy on sundays as he knows he has his regular adda after the breakfast & his little princess loving him & pampering him with all that he wants..luchi is made & alur torkari requires a bit of garnishing but the proud owner of this breakfast is still in bed..taking him out of it so damn difficult!!u got to love him and kiss him & pamper like a baby to pull him out of that bed which is his paradise..i will put on my favorite bed sheet on it..the blue & white one..it makes my room perfect..with the bright bed-side lamp beside my bed & the big TV thats pictures only argentina & no brazil my bedroom looks like the one that i dreamt of.the empty bed shows signs of love made last night...and i constantly stop myself from rethinking those moments as I have loads of work to do ahead..the only day when i get time to clean up the week's mess.once the bed is done & the pillows & cushions are in place & the curtains are drawn I take a last glance at it..i will get to see this beauty only after a week...breakfast is served & the my big baby has it all..he loves it followed by a cup of tea with a gold-flake in one hand & the Sunday Times in another.and then comes the order for his lunch.no cook today I love to cook it for all by myself!!macher matha diye daal,sukto,ilish mach,pathar jhol & chatni..he loves it.this menu occasionally changes with few items but mutton is something thats constant...the maid comes at 11.30..i got to clear the mess & get off to cook..my drawing room has the big bean bags which is the only place where you will find my husband after he is back from with a glass of beer watching his football matches..& during the world cups you scarcely find him elsewhere..he is always there supporting his team Brazil..i even have a big poster of Pele in my study but my library proudly houses Messi..well thats make a perfect bengali household..one supporting Argentina & the other supporting Bzail...the TV in the drawing room only has his favorite channels..n i don't usually bug him as i love to see him leaping up in joy when bzaillians score a goal or when his favorite movie is been telecast-ed and he finds his love supplying him his favorite snacks with the beer...he gives a look of satisfaction & makes him feel that he is finally successful.our refrigerator has the water dispenser where i wanted to keep beer but was strongly discarded by my love but instead i have small beer fridge which houses all brands of beer...i have finally succeed in controlling my temptations..i dont drink anymore but i do maintain my bar well...that bar has all sort of glasses starting from the tequila ones to whiskey one but except for few scarce rare alcohol all my bottles are empty to help my sponge keep away from excess drinks!!the sofas that we have were decided on after much quarrels as i wanted those rajasthani ones & he wanted those big ones where you can drown yourself.i hated those but have concluded on those ones which were little softer but big ones..but they are difficult to maintain..i usually have to put a lot of labour keeping them clean as those are the ones which cradles my sweetheart when we fight as he can mess up things quite well..my beloved does one thing with full concentration and love that is he cleans my library..those low sitting area,low lit lights & books all around that is my favorite..i wanted it all through my life & he made it for me and he is the biggest donator of books in that paradise..i love when he brings his favorite book for me and reads it before i can even touch it!!he is usually not found inside home after 11 as his friends are already on with the regular adda...he is usually back by 2.30 and rushes on to the dinning table...he loves it when i deck up the table with his favorite daliahs...his lunch is followed by the long sleep..he is a perfect bengali who loves that bhaat ghum after his best lunch..i love to see him sleep like a baby..i wonder how much he loves to sleep and is confident enough to say that he loves it more than me!!sunday evenings are lazy with random cups of tea very often...sunday nights are the best since he is full of energy..even though i feel the sunday sickness gripping us from 8 o clock itself but still sundays are beautiful..they are perfect as i can see my self smiling to myself at the end of the day..next morning i know he is going to put the sidoor on my forehead & that is something i look forward to...but next morning the phone would also ring its usual alarm clock...i can hear it ringing...i open my eyes finding myself in the usual mattress in bangalore all alone with no bed tea by my side..now i realize that it was the dream that i used to see with my eyes open with my long lost love....!!!

love....

Today I realized that there still something that cannot be expressed in words..my hands are trembling and I can still feel that strange feelings that ran through my body when u first touched my..i am out of words..i feel I cannot express it in words..i will never be able to..whatever I write will definitely be an incomplete work..what I felt then & what I feel today when I sleep in that empty bed every night cannot be put in words…words have their limitations..
I love you…that is where we started from and you held my hands or rather took my arms into yours…those warm soft hands touched mine & you pulled me towards you…my lips brushed against yours..again a soft lips touched mine..i could feel a ray of feelings running through my spine, my heart pounding fast..oh man I was about to cry when u touched me with passion & asked me “tumi amake chere chole jabe na to”….i wanted to say many things…I wanted to softly say in your ears that I love you baby and ami tomake chere kothao jabo na..i wanted to say that love me so much so that I can relive my lost days..you were the second person who was held so close to my body but the first person to whom I am writing these things as I was never asked to…this might not be nothing new for you…you might have held many girls that way but I was gradually melting in your arms…I was feeling like a kid who wanted to be pampered…you kissed me..you lips touched mine…I could feel my heart pounding faster..you kissed me again and again & held me in your arms..i felt that I could hide myself from all worries & tensions if you were around…in your arms I started feeling safe..n den your naughty hands went inside my t-shirt..u have smoky eyes..they sometimes speak nothing & sometimes it says it all…I could feel your hands caressing my body..those soft movements of your strong hands on my belly was making me wild..i found you undressing me..i was cold..i was so very much excited that I did not have the energy to play with you…we moved to the bedroom…draped in a sheet I was again in your arms again..you kissed m, bit me & kissed me again..we talked while you hid yourself inside in my naked body..i could feel that something was pulling me towards you…I could feel me kissing your neck & biting you hard…I could feel the fun of tuning you on…u were again on top of me..kissing and caressing me hard…too bodies were melting in each other…I could feel the passionate kiss..i could hear you say I love you shone..i can die to hear that again and again…every time your lips were near my ears , I could hear you saying that you love me & that made me feel like loving you more & more…& then…I could feel you inside me…the first feel of you inside me was something that I can never explain..you were mild..passionate..loving…gradually it turned aggressive…more and more aggressive..every time you made love you gave me marks..i see those marks now and feel the love..marks are good you know..i wanted you more & more!!every time I wanted to reach my height of pleasure you were out of me…I at one point of time hit you for that since I wanted more…but you were tired…we were done…but I was not done..
A cup of coffee in your arms made me feel that I was heaven…we talked..we talked of so many things…and again I was in your arms..your lips biting mine..you were again inside me..deep inside me..just not inside but embedded in my soul & heart..i wanted you tell me with passion that u loved me..i wanted you to say “I love you sona”..but u never said & I was at my heights…& then I just wanted to hug you…
You were about to leave…I didn’t want that…but alas no choice…just outside our gate you held my hands..i was again cold..i moved my hands…but once you were in the bus I wanted to hold you in my arms..i wanted you to hold my hands again…will u???

tomar janya...

Amar shob theke priyo gaan ta tomar janya..

Amar bhitoro bahire ontore ontore
Achho tumi…hridoy jurey

Ddheke rakhe jemon kushum
Paprir abdaale phosholer ghum
Temni tomar nibid chola
Moromer muul poth dhore…

Amar bhitoro bahire ontore ontore
Achho tumi…hridoy jurey

Pushe rakhe jemon jjhinuk
Kholosher aborone muktor shukh
Temni tomar gobhir chhowa
Bheetorer neel bondore…

Amar bhitoro bahire ontore ontore
Achho tumi…hridoy jurey

Bhalo achhi, Bhalo theko
Akasher tthikanaye chitthi likho
Dio tomar mala-khani
Baool er ei mon ta re…

Amar bhitoro bahire ontore ontore
Achho tumi…hridoy jurey

Kolkata Kolkatatei..

hotat kore ekta guilty feelings hote shuru koreche...eto din dhore likhchi but kolkata k niye ekhono likhe ni..oi shohor tir janya ami eto din shob chere chere fire gechi...aaj takei bhulte boshechi ami..na na ami bhuli ni sudhu ektu take shoriye rakhte chechilam...shoriye rakhar anek karon ache!!jagge ami shei chira chorito ghen ghene karon bishleshon korte boshbo botei kintu aaj amar chok diye ektu kolkata k ektu dekho..
Dunlop theke bus dhore golfgreen jachi 234 kore..anekei bus ta jane karon bustir route ti sanghatik..gota Kolkata ghure jai..dunlop,sinthee,shyambazar,maniktala,rajabazar,shealdah,moulali,minto park,deshapriya park,golpark,jodhpur park,jadavpur thana,lords er mor hoi golfgreen..eto lomba route bodhoi kono buser nei!!ami ek kale metro jokhon hoi ni tokhon ei buse chore mamarbari jetam!!khub kharap lagto!!ekta buse 2 ghonta katano besh kothin chilo!!aj likhte boshe mone holo Kolkata k shob theke beshi ota te chorei chinechi..dunlop periye jokhon B.T.Road e eshe bus ta porto tokhon mone bhetor ei bhoy ta thakto j aaj ar bodhoi pouchono holo na!!oi raastae jam er karone ami j koto sin school jete pari ni tar iyotta nei..besh kharap lagto jokhon jante partam jammer kono karon nei r tar thekeo beshi kharap lagto jokhon jante partam j tobin roader por jam ta nei!!jagge tobin road katiye jokhon sinthee te portam tokhon pran ta kemon anchan korto…sinthee morer bhetore ekta dokane khub bhalo fish-fry pawa jeto!!khub lobh lagto amar!!but oi ,234 theke nebe jawa ta sambhab hoto na karon bus uthe jaiga peye boshe porte parle bhalo ta nahole shyambazar porjonto dariye jete hoto!!!oi fish-fry aboshyo ami university te porte bohu kheyechi kintu chotobelar na pawar lobher madhey j moja ta ache seta bodhoi kokhono r pabo na..chiriya more diye dhuke giye amar school chilo..besh moja lagto jokhon stopta cross kortam..!!shyambazar dhokar age bagbazar e Batar samne bus antoto 10 min signal e darato…bag bazaar e khub bhalo gur pawa jai..ota smriti noi..ma ekhono okhan thekei gur ta ane but Bangalore theke oi gur diye luchi khawa ta smriti hoi roi geche..shyambazar morer “golbari” ..sunechi majh khane bondho chilo..ami antorik bhabe cheyechilam jeno khule jai..oi manshor sathe amar chelebela ta atke pore ache…aajo Kolkata gele ma ek din niye ashei ashe..bus ta jokhon moulali pouchoto tokhon dekhtam koto nona dhora dewaler majhe koto lok bash kore..tara sarata jibon okhanei roi gelo..koto swapno koto dukho koto raag koto abhiman dekheche oi ghorer dewal gulo..amar besh lagto,lal lal bari..kichu ta bhanga,kichu ta pore meramot kora..meramoter chhap dekha jai karon oi rong ajker mistiri ra melate pare na..tai daag ta roi jai…ma bolten j oi rokom bari naki Kolkata te bohu ache..ami ekdin ekti bondhur sathe ghure ghure dekheo chilam..besh legechilo..uttor kolkatar oli goli,shet-shete thanda bari,bhenge pora dewal gulo amar besh lagto..sunechi naki anek barir majhe majhe ek ekta goli ache jar naam “ek biri” goli..mane ekti biri dhoriye sesh korte joto khon samay lage totokhone oi goli ti par kora jai…!!shealdah aro ekta jaiga bote…oto loker bhir dekhe amar kemon mone hoto Kolkata shohor ta te bodhoi kono bekar nei..pore bujhechi Kolkata te bekar rao byasto…tader byastota adda marate…tara cha er sathe jomiye cigarette khete byasto,brazil athoba argentina,mohunbagan noito east Bengal,CPM na trinomool niye byasto,tader o byastota ache!!amader barite shealdah bazarer bhetorer ekta dokan theke cha ashe..ajo ashe!!shei dida anten ekhon ma anen..amio gechi majhe majhe mar sathe..besh nongra lagto tokhon ekhon kemon bhishon mone pore..moner bhetor ta huhu kore othe jokhon mone pore din gulor kotha!!bus ta jokhon aste aste dokhin kolkatar dike dhukte shuru korto tokhon hotat kore kemon shob kichu jhok jhoke hoye uthto..khub porishkar khub sundor!!
Dokhin kolkatar sathe amar anek smriti joriye ache..ami khub lake e jetam..rabindro sarobar lake!!khub bhalo lebu cha pawa jai okhane!!tokhon daam nito 3 taka jekhane anya jaige te 1.50 takate besh ekta boro bhare cha pawa jeto!!kintu amar khub pochonder chilo..oi lebu cha anek cheshta koreo barite banate pari ni..oder alada masala ache!!Lake e prochur adda nerechi,ghoti grorom kheyechi..!!
Shibpur e chole jawar por ami khub outram ghat jetam..robbar dupure kheye uthe gonga periye giye boshe portam..ekta balloon wala bosto…amake amar bondhu fatano sikhiyechilo..tip bhaloi toiri hoichilo..aaj shei bondhu tao nei hoito balloon wala ta gele chinteo parbe na..kichu khon boshe tuk tuk kore hete park street..taka thakle peter cat e ekta chello kabar kheye T2 dhore bari..koto dour jhap..koto byastota,koto birokti,koto abhiman,koto kichu joriye ache shohor tar sathe amar..ami bujhechi oi shohor ta chara ami besh ashampurna…jani na kobe fire jete parbo!!koto din samay lagbe nijeke okhane firiye niye jete..kintu aaj o ekla cholar pothe mone hoi j amake bodhoi Kolkata theke boye asha ekta thanda hawa eshe kane kane bole jai Kolkata Kolkatei…

ek choti si love story...

the world is changing fast..when initially there was radio which evolved into TV n now into computers or notepads.
Scene 1 Brishti has a regular copy pasted life.She gets up at 8 o clock in the morning,takes a bath,eats her bread-omelette,takes a bus into the stop where her cab comes,gets into the cab with the headphone on,reaches office,drinks a cup of black coffee,sits in her cubicle,runs innumerable rubbish codes to make her model run n brings out statistical results as per her client wants,again takes her cab back home,sits with her laptop,socializes with few old friends in orkut,updates her FB,reads her mail,watches a movie while taking her dinner,reads a book,talks over the phone for few hours n goes off to sleep. Thats Brishti how i see her today.It seems she had some real good characters which made her mom n dad name her Brishti!!After many mistakes in life n many sleepless nights she has finally succeeded to change her inherent fun loving positive energy to a mechanical one.She has finally succeeded in changing her to one of the few morons that she sees around her all day!!
One day there was a error in code & her usual life came to break.One fine evening she turns on her lappy & logs on to orkut.Amongst many of the friend requests she gets in her profile there lied a request from someone she knew..oops a school friend it seems.She gets excited & accepts it and finds the there was a mistake.Being a class one moron she was about to block the person but she found it rude to do so.
An unknown person lying in ones list of friend does not harm much unless there is some response from other side.She one day found that man online again n they started to talk.As i said Brishti is a class one moron n there is no space for some one who is not a moron in her life!!
She was rude,bad n insulting.But one day he asked for phone number!!WTF!!

Scene 2 Aditya again had a copy pasted life as Brishti. He was alone in a city which is not his hometown,sad,out of friends and most importantly did not enjoy what he was doing day in and day out!!But he did not want to be moron!!That was clear in his mind.He also had a disturbing past n that some times haunted him bad but he was coping with that.Aditya can cook!!cooks very well!!Aditya had a roomie who was a half saint.Aditya claimed he did not have a girlfriend but can proudly say that he was a man n needed all that a man required.

Scene 3 Aditya calls Brishti n Brishti finally agrees to take the call after thousand of tantrums.They started talking.They talked of all possible things that is possible under the sun.They enjoyed it.Brishti started waiting for Aditya's call.Aditya gradually turned Adi for Brishti!!The cupid was about to strike the arrow when Aditya thought that Brishti could be a good person to be with.Even Adi did not have much reasons to feel the same but there was no harm in such a feelings according to Adi.And they got into a relationship.Even this idea obstructed badly to what Brishti had had for the past few years but she wanted to try it out.
Just as the two names suggest Aditya aka Adi n Brishti, these two people were poles apart.Aditya was the sun n Brishti was the rain.They could never be similar. But they started loving each other or rather they tried to convince themselves that they loved each other.They met,made love,had fun.Adi helped the sad soul to come out of the older vices and thoughts.He helped her to get back the old habits of staying happy with many things that she could do but never did.Love,fun,laugh became their aim in life.There were dreams involved as well.They started to dream.
But as I said sun & rains can never be together,Aditya & Brishti started losing out on the topics that they shared. They gradually went into a phase of silence.A dark silence engulfed their relation.The night that they went into never turned to a morning.
I dont know what happened or where did these love birds fly to but i still gets updates from each of them on FB.I prefer not to comment!!I think Adi is still there somewhere in Brishti's heart as i decipher from her updates but Adi was a man..they prefer not to brood over lost relations..!!

Thats how relations happen today..they develop and they wither away..but they definitely gives you few happy moments which you can enjoy and cherish all through your life!!

N.B.This is purely imaginary & the characters if resembles someone is a pure coincidence..

a touch...

it is said that a simple touch can change your life..no no guys im not writing anything on reiki...its a very simple yet painful incident of someone very close to me...someone who shared my bedroom,my bed,my body,my soul...

i would call this "someone very close to me" as QUICK..as i introduce Quick I have to confess that he is a male since i cannot let a female share so many things of mine..most importantly that would question my sexual orientation!!!Quick was tall,dark & handsome!!even though dark guys are no more in demand but Quick was different!!you got to fall in love with him once you see him..he was special..very very special..he was one man whom i saw reacting to one touch of mine...he could sing,dance,talk,paint,write & do everything that I wanted him to do at one touch of mine..he was so much passionate about me!!Quick could sing me my favorite song when I was sad,he could write me the best poem when I was happy, he could paint anything that I wanted him to paint & that also like a captured picture!!I am indebted to Quick for capturing so many special moments for me!!He has helped me in doing almost everything!!He helped me when I had a fight with my boyfriend to receiving the first proposal of my life.He helped me when I got the best job and further when I got my first salary!!He brought informations about the sale going on in my favorite shop to the offer that is available in the flight fares of Bangalore to Kolkata(since I live in Bangalore & my hometown is Kolkata)...he waked me up in the morning when I had to leave for office and persistent enough to call me again & again when i was sleepy..he was the one who reminded me of the most important mails that i had to sent out a day to the birthdays that i usually forget..he was so caring!!I love him...
but as you all know good things dont stay long..suddenly Quick got ill..his illness was not much observed initially but one fine morning he got incurable!!he did not respond to my touches..he went so insensitive one day..i cried, i begged but nothing helped!!we often take people for granted!!being a homo sapiens i also did the same..i got angry..i got paranoid when i found Quick was not responding..but soon i realized my paranoia was of no help..Quick was sick n he still wanted to help me..his hands were still held out but it was I who was failing!!i tried.. initially quick some times responded n some times he just failed..i just overlooked his honest attempts of love..he loved me beyond the possible means of human nature..he still helps me..he tries to help me reach out to those people who were badly wanting to reach me!!he sometimes tries to help me get out of bed as well..he tries to pass on the informations that he gets but but he is too sick to do the same..he loves me i know...

Quick is sick n i want a hand of help from all of you..the details of the same given below:
LG Cookie Touch Screen Phone belonging to Nivedita Roy(my dearest roomie)..we need help to make him respond to the touches as the touch screen needs to be repaired...please send us the address of the service center of LG Phones in Bangalore

COLDPLAY...

Come up to meet ya, tell you I'm sorry

You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you, tell you I need ya

And tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets, and nurse me your questions

Oh let's go back to the start

Running in circles, coming in tails

Heads on a science apart



Nobody said it was easy

It's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start



I was just guessing at numbers and figures

Pulling the puzzles apart.

Questions of science, science and progress

Don't speak as loud as my heart.

Tell me you love me, and come back and haunt me,

Oh, when I rush to the start

Running in circles, chasing tails

coming back as we are.



Nobody said it was easy

It's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy.

No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start.

i want to...

i want to get back to those days when i opened my eyes in my mother's arms & a peck from her on the cheek in the morning..i want to get back those days of school where uncanny silence reigned during school hours..i want to get back to those days when cinema meant a cartoon movie with ma & baba...i want to get back to those days when crying was only meant for chocolate...i want to get back to those days when rains meant a craving for a rainy day holiday...i want to get back to those days when loving only meant loving ma..i want to get back to those days when fights only happened between friends and got resolved in an hour,when evening meant going out to play in the park,when drinks meant rasna,when TV meant mahabrata,when summer vacations meant a long holiday with no tension in life,when end of exams meant a long trip with parents,when superhit muquabla was some thing we all waited for a week,when sunday lunch meant pathar jhol n bhaat followed by a long sleep,when mamma's scoldings resulted to tears gushing out of eyes,when there was no email or phones or orkut but keeping in touch with old friends were so easy,when I did not understand what love was but died to meet the Hero next day in school,when parents were called if there was some thing wrong in the behavior but no escalation of mails,when a small smile from someone special took away the sleep,when new dresses before the puja made me stand in front of the wardrobe all through the day,when pujas meant thakur dekha all day long surviving mostly on ice cream,when a ice-creams mostly meant chocolate cone from kwality,when chocolates only meant Dairy Milk,when friends were those with whom u could share anything and everything,when falling in love meant butterflies in stomach,when falling in love meant smelling the special thing in the air,when love meant walking hands in hands by the side of maddox square park after the pujas and getting sad on seeing the half demolished pandals,when the first kiss made me awake the whole night,when a romantic movie made me miss my beloved,when the first drag of cigarette made my head reel for almost an hour,when i thought doping was a vice, when drunk people were only matals,when college meant trying new dresses everyday,when bunking a class for a movie was the focus of life,when managing notes from the best girl in the class was difficult yet fun,when life got frustrated seeing girls all around in a college(what else can u see in a girls college ;)...),when university meant addas all through the day and jumping on to the TT board when found empty,when basuda's canteen was the only destination,when leaving the campus at 7:30 in the evening on winter nights was the most happy thing that could be done,when friends were there to pull you out from the den even when they were angry.I want to get back to the last day of my University in the chilly evening at 9 o clock at night where as I headed home I left back all my childhood & kiddish fun at one go....i want to relive those days!!!

a stranger..

Don't talk to strangers
Don't do all the thinkin with your little head...(HEDLEY)
so true...strangers are bad...they are sometimes horrible..and i avoid strangers precisely because of the second statement made by Hedley, I am basically lazy,lazy enough to put my brains on what the people are thinking..i usually dont entertain such people in my life who tends to know more about me...i am bad to them & most importantly rude..rude enuf to make them sad and angry to leave me n mind their own ways..I was pretty much successful in this practice for the past few years...but i suddenly failed..
a little kid walked into my life without much effort..well i dont know whether he had put in any effort or not but i definitely believe that i gave him a little space to sneak-peak into my life(now i know he is thinking about my attitude)...well well one can cannot always win unless some lets him win or unless one losses..i admit i lost..or rather helped him win..
a really thought him to be a kid..he is the first of his kind i have met..truly..sometimes passionate sometimes cold as ice..he is one of his kind who has an opinion off his own and puts it forth when ever he wants..he fears little to come up with his thoughts..he fears none as he feels he has nothing to lose..he can talk of things which are otherwise banned in human discussions..!!!he would not fear to tell her girlfriend about the bad things about her father nor would he stop to praise her when she is worth it!!he can surprise you with things like his own explanation of the various things which are otherwise conventional...unfortunately of fortunately he is not romantic in the conventional way..he does not believe in the fantasies..he thinks..he thinks the other way but can make you feel that you don't need to think..he is strange..stranger than the word strange..he loves to eat..u can never vouch for him in any thing because once you do it he is definitely not going to do that to prove that no should vouch for him...
all that i wrote is what i think about him..but im sure there would be bombardment of questions and oppositions since he hates it when someone tends to know him but would love it when he is caught by someone close to him...
but i know there are lots to write about him but its not easy to define him in words..he is at times beyond words...he is still a stranger but knowingly or unknowingly i do put in a lot of brains understanding him..i hope not to fail..again depends on him...

i hate him...

a lonely afternoon always flows into a depressing evening which gradually leads into a sleepless nights with compartmentalized thoughts from youth to disaster...i don't know how a memory is defined...are they always good or sometimes bad as well..i define memories as the good ones & the bad one as nightmare...!!as the night falls with its grave silence i start missing those days when there were no worries no tensions..when i used to play & imagine Utopian things which never occurred..i grew up..came out of those days where imagination overpowered truth..& as we all know..truth is stranger than fiction..my world of imagination much influenced by the books started breaking..even though i grew up but some where in the corner of my heart that little kid stayed dormant which sometimes leap up in joy on special occasions...
with innumerable mistakes in life i came across a person who was simple unlike one i thought homo sapiens were..he can say everything without a worry in mind..he can say bad things on face & again love you if you are angry..
i have thousand of reasons to hate him..he is bad..he sometimes make me cry..cry because he says things that make me happy..he has put forth a hand of support which might be not be easy to grip but once done will be hard to leave..he is a man of small but deep dreams..he at times hits hard on you with the truths that you have been running away from for long...i hate him when he tries to dump all the mistakes on my shoulder in a simple way..i hate him when he tries to be sarcastic n justifies it by saying that they are simple words...i hate him when he calls the at 5:30 in the morning...i hate him when he tries to call by the clock...i hate him when he says health is wealth...i hate him when he is kiddish n then suddenly he turns matured...i hate him when he praises my work..i hate him all the more when tears roll down my eyes when i write that i hate coz these are the reasons why i love him...
that little kid which is hiding somewhere in the corner of the heart wants to say something...but the young woman within me is stopping her every time..
i would quickly give the young woman a glass of beer to let her allow the kid within me to say I LOVE YOU....

i want to write..

i want to write..have many thoughts in mind but suddenly failing to express them in words..i thought of many things today..like writing about love,writing about the light yellow liquid that has been my companion thru thick n thin..about the white stick that is found 24X7 between my fingers..about a rainy afternoon..about a dark room filled with smoke..about the feelings that i get when my nerves are smoother & fingers move faster on my keyboard..about the crying dog who is stuck in the 10 by 10 room in my neighborhood...about my roomie who praises any thing that i do..about the excitement that leaps into my heart when i see the sms of my salary in the phone..about the new person who has suddenly sneaked in my life...about the feelings that i get when i see a romantic movie..but i am out of words...i want to write..

a good mistake..

a friend request accepted by mistake...a new friend joins by list of so many unknown orkut friends...least did i know he would b my such a good friend...mistakes are not always bad..n dis also explains that u should learn from your mistakes!!!good mistake...
n he walks in with loads n loads of question..why?when?how?in everything dat i said he seemed to have these three questions ready for me!!i even though is a person who hates to answer started answering him..he is like a kid..his kid hides within the strong man he shows to the world..always wanting to put forth his words..making a point dat he is being listened..he has dreams..dreams of his own but is at times afraid to face them..he has a world of conclusions..a world where all his conclusions are rubbish but still he wud make dem and when objected would fight also!!he wud ping you at his own will n get crazy at you if dont reply to them..he at times seems honest and at times i feel he is throwing bluffs..he will love you like a baby if you return back..he claims he has no friends..n will be ur fan if you give him little space...well those were few things that i feel about him..
now he is reading this..paranoid and angry with the female who has dared to write all these craps bout him...
now while reading he also feels that what a shit the female is who cannot see what he shows..he has a sweet way of asking his questions..he can ask from you any thing he wants..he doesn't know how to love but make all efforts to love you..he grabs you like a kid..with the fear in mind to lose you he is sometimes afraid to say many things..he says he cannot write but can write you mails which will make u cry..he will promise you anything you want him to promise(but cannot assure you how far he'll keep it ;)..)!!he loves to travel..maybe wants to run away from many things that he dusnt want to face..he is in constant search of a strong hand who can hold him when he stumbles..he is in constant search of some shoulder on whom he can bow down n cry(oops boys dont cry n big boys has forgotten how to spell cry) n then go off to sleep there itself..white n blue is something he is fanatic about(guess work)..he is not afraid of blood..can talk about sex without hindrance..n take you on a ride of dreams if you allow him to...he is he..a small little kid with so much to say..love u darling..

lonely afternoons...

Afternoons in kolkata used to be different..the scorching sun made sure that the entire locality was silent...silent like a black night!!while in the summer vacations mom used to be at office and my sole companion was my world of dreams and enid blyton till class seven and different fiction authors henceforth.I hated those handwriting home works & those ridiculous sums which bit hard on my nerves.While in between those adventurous secret seven & famous five I could hear the radio from the neighboring house where the playlist essentially comprised of old bengali songs or shruti-natok which gave a feelings that rabi thakur still exists.My concentration broke when pasher barir Kakima arranged her utensils before going for the power nap.I knew the same radio channel would be adjusted at her bedroom amplifying the bengali songs.Breaking the pin-drop silence of the empty roads a rickshaw with its creaking sound stops at two doors next to us.Pinkididi's boyfriend has come to enjoy the silence of the afternoon.I could hear the old fan making a rhythmic sound at her bedroom.I think that the fan tried its best to overpower the sound that was being made by the passionate moves of pinkididi & her boyfriend in the old palanka.My next door Kaku never failed his evening tea at 4.30pm.He was the person who pulled in other retired kakus for an evening chat which ranged from politics to sports.Gupida also started preparing since it was almost the time for all sorkari chakures to come back home & flock at his tea stall.Then came the Khash Khobor at 6 followed by Janani...afternoons rolled into evening to night.And that marked my mom's return from office.It was the time to get back to my home works which I hated to do the most.With the sharpened pencil and empty copies in my desk I could feel the old bengali songs ringing in my head.
Today when i hardly get the time to feel the afternoon in front of numerous excel sheets & numbers I can still hear those old melodies.The cup of coffee still reminds me of kaku and the vending machine makes me miss Gupida.I miss those nijhum dupur where I had thought of growing up to a corporate lady with a pocket full of money.I did achieve my goals to some extent but I miss those afternoons where I could dream without worries.

WHY???

Why doesn't the rain drops make me feel like dancing anymore?Why doesn't the scorching sun makes me feel like going to the river side any more?Why doesn't the warm cup of cha in the matir bhar makes my tired soul leap up in joy anymore?Why does the jams in road makes me feel me cranky when I have enjoyed it once?Why don't I feel like crying like a baby when I am sad?Why doesn't the long chats make me happy anymore?Why cannot I walk miles without getting tired?Why cannot I feel the warmth in the chilly evening?Why cannot I smell the strange smell in air that I used to feel?Why don't I feel beautiful when I dress up like a princess?Why don't I feel like behaving like baby when I am happy?Why don't I window shop just like that?Why don't I crave for chocolates like I used to do?Why don't I go crazy on seeing pav-Bhaji?Why don't I day dream of the perfect house that I want?Why don't I plan to fight & then plan to woo the same person?Why don't I feel that a strong hand is holding me tight?Why don't I feel that a eye is keeping a close watch on me?Why does the late night calls still make me feel that an unexpected call can come?Why don't I wait for the same phone ringing at 1.30 at night?Why don't I feel like feeding someone like I used to do?Why do I wait to for some to call me Mummum?Why doesn't it feel like loving to some one like a kid?Why don't I feel like calling someone with excitement to share my joy?Why do still miss those afternoons where we have shared so many dreams?Why do still look at the sky & the moon to say I love You?Why do I still miss those bike rides where you hid me behind you to save me from the rains?Why do I miss those looks of yours which said that you love me?Why do I miss those days when we went out with just 100 rupees in pocket?Why do I miss those days where we fought the whole night and loved each other the whole day?Why do I miss those rickshaw rides?Why do I miss your song?Why do I miss those feelings of getting drunk in your arms?Why do I miss those hide n seek game that we played with everyone?Why do I miss you when I know that I have reason to do the same?Why did you not come to take me away?Why did you kept on telling lies one after another?Why did you pretend to love me when you never did?Why did you make me see those dreams which never belonged to you?Why did you say that you loved me when you never did?Why did I chose you?why were the pujas so special for me?Why do I still miss the first ride on your bike?Why do I miss those lies that I said to save you?Why did I LOVE YOU? WHY????

growing up

A small little girl walks into a pool of unknown people. Well thats definitely me when I first went into my school of aliens where there were a class of 50 students creating a chaos for no reasons. That was 1995. I changed my place in the mid session and had to get into a school because as a child I could not travel to my previous one and as a Bengali middle class family my parents could not afford to make me lose a year. And I was thrown into a whole world of guys & gals who seemed totally different from my previous set of friends.

And the story started.It was class five.Month of June.Trying to recollect those days today seems so difficult with no reference in hand.In the middle of session it was difficult to make friends but thanks to those few people who made my life easier.I got few good friends who actually seemed to understand me.They did held out their hands with compassion.I was never a good studious fellow who would study bunking her lunch breaks or evening plays but was few of those people who would try to manage everything at the eleventh hour.I enjoyed while I realized I was growing up.Life was suddenly filled with fun & smiles. I was tom boyish,with short hair & loads of energy which is still on even after 15 years.But my eyes seemed to be stuck sometimes on the last row of our class where a silent composed fellow seemed to hide away from many things in the world.I was curious.Very curious but very afraid.Reaching up to that unsaid wall was so very arduous & then breaking that wall was impossible.But still I was curious.As a child I used to think that how can a person be so silent.Patience is the virtue but that was some thing I was lacking.I thought & thought.I grew up thinking.Times changed and our teachers planned to shuffle our class.This whole bag full of curiosity went to a different section & I never got the chance to break through that wall.I grew up, left school & joined a different one.
Thanks to the social networking sites I suddenly came across that same person.I was actually afraid of that guy but when he tried to get in touch with me I was happy.I was happy because of some unknown reason.
We started talking.We talk & talk.We talk of anything that can be under the sun.I got afraid once again.I do not know why we talk.I want to know.But as before I am again afraid to ask.Now is the time that I ask myself whether I should make the move or not because 15 years back I could not gather the courage to do the same so is this the time?
.....